Learning to Love
My journey through heartache, abandonment, and the road to recovery.
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The Ache That Started It All
As a child, things like heartache, neglect, abuse and trauma are often difficult if not nearly impossible to process.
You become almost immune to it, and begin to cope the only way you know how to: by suppressing those feelings.
The tragedy is that these feelings never truly disappear. They linger deep within and stay more hidden the longer time passes by.
They do however manifest in various ways that we may not even be aware of. They exist in the way we carry ourselves, by the way we respond to others offering love and care, or in the subtle ways that we treat ourselves.
However, eventually there comes a time for reckoning. When these deep seeded issues have no choice but to boil over.
For me personally it appeared as dependence. On others. On alcohol. On drugs. In self loathing. In fear of abandonment, and especially in the way I loved others—and in the type of love that I sought after.
These issues didn't appear all at once. They slowly crept in. One at a time—as I learned to navigate a turbulent and tumultuous upbringing.
Over the years—through neglect, various forms of abuse, and living with a parent without the capacity to be fully present—I began to learn how to prioritize caring for others before caring for myself. I learned that I wasn't able to rely on others for comfort. That I couldn't trust a promise, and that love was something I had to wait for—or earn.
Some readers might already understand—but this was quite confusing. Always left me wondering, and eventually would become so ingrained into my worldview that it became normalized.
Getting let down stopped hurting as much. Abuse felt like it was deserved, and neglect was no longer a disappointment—but an expectation.
At a certain point, wanting to be seen, wanting to be held, and wanting to be understood felt like luxuries. As if a basic level of affection was too much to ask for.
So I did what anyone of you might do: I ignored the pain, put on a mask, and refused to be vulnerable.
I had no idea then, but this would go on to mold how I approached every relationship for years.
Mistaking Familiarity for Love
It's no surprise then that I would take part in many failed relationships throughout my adult life—not just romantic relationships, but friendships and relationships with family members as well.
There’s a certain level of unawareness that develops after a lifetime of learning to love and be loved in an unhealthy manner.
Over time a pattern emerged of looking for broken people that I felt compelled to help. Of choosing partners that had a heart—but didn't have the ability to let me near it, or being in positions where I had to buy love. A mirror of the broken relationships I endured my entire childhood.
That’s not to say I was an innocent bystander either. The years of abandonment and hyper-vigilance caused me to become overly sensitive, needy, and warped my expectations.
I no longer expected my absent parents to give me the love I always needed—I put that expectation on my lovers and family members that were never the cause of my pain to begin with.
When they couldn't deliver on filling that insatiable void, I would lash out, become hostile and continue the self-fulfilling prophecy of being unlovable—by pushing others away.
Yet I would continue this pattern for years. A pattern of seeking unavailability over consistency, of mistaking manipulation for care—and looking for love in places it simply did not exist.
When Rejection Feels Like Home
When you're taught that love is fleeting, that affection is not always guaranteed, and that care isn't to be expected from others, you subconsciously begin to chase it.
Some chase it by seeking validation—trying to become what they think others value—in an attempt to recapture those old lost moments of when they were finally noticed. Only to have their entire world crumble when they don't receive the affirmation they were looking for.
Others may find themselves always at the center of attention. Constantly seeking the thrill they had of finally being recognized and seen.
Another way we may seek the love we never had is by acting out in negative ways. Some people need to get a reaction because it's the only way they know the other person is feeling anything at all…
The familiarity of never feeling safe, being in unpredictable environments, and being confused by love can leave one seeking those patterns well into adulthood.
Because you're taught that love is complicated. That it comes with conditions, and that you can't be comfortable with someone else freely giving you intimacy.
It becomes a constant state of survival where you're always trying to prove your worth. Love always comes with a cost, and you become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
At a certain point, the inability to discern love, affection, care and intimacy—from chemistry, dependence, performative gestures, and toxicity—becomes a habit.
Though I can't fully put into words the toll all of this takes, I can say with certainty that it doesn't have to last forever.
We can learn from these behaviors and choose a different way...
Defining Love on New Terms
As some of you may have read in my blog: “In Memoriam: The Man I Was Destined To Be”, I had a turning point in life.
It wasn’t some fairy tale ending—credits rolling at the end of a rom-com with a Randy Newman song playing in the background.
It was a slow and steady realization that I did “not want to live like this anymore.” An awareness that if I wanted things to change, I had to look inward and become it—and the mourning of letting go of the person who caused all of this pain:
Myself…
I began to notice all of the patterns I had ignored my entire life. I slowly took accountability for not only seeking the wrong types of love—but for being the wrong type of person.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I was responsible for putting myself in situations that were not healthy.
That kind of healing is not romantic.. It hurts. But I knew it was necessary.
I had to humble myself and try to repair relationships that I was at fault for ruining.
In fact I'm still doing this.
It has been far from easy—but easy is what got me here. It's what left me feeling constantly empty. Facing the music is much more difficult than putting life on mute and pretending it's all okay. But I had to come to terms with the fact that it was the only way out.
As each day passes, things seem to click at a quicker rate. I'm having epiphanies almost daily.
In reality, they are not epiphanies at all, they're a basic understanding of what it means to love and to be loved—but for people who have never experienced this, it's absolutely groundbreaking.
I'm learning to communicate more effectively. I'm learning to love honestly. To learn what I should and should not accept—and to have realistic expectations of myself and of others.
These changes in behavior had led me to a much richer and deeper understanding of what love truly is.
It's being there for others without expecting anything in return. It's honoring those who are there for you by staying true to your word. It's being mindful of how your words and actions affect others—and it's about loving yourself first without putting yourself first.
The final tipping point was when I didn't just realize what I was doing wrong—it's when I realized what I truly wanted.
I didn't want to chase love. I never wanted to constantly have to prove my worth. Who really wants to always question if they're good enough? Worthy? Or even loveable?
All it takes is for one person to lift the spell and finally awaken the dormant parts of yourself that have been hiding behind the wall.
The better I started to treat others, the more I started to notice what love was supposed to look like.
One night I had a disagreement with someone in a friend group. Nothing serious. In that moment though, I felt misunderstood and unseen—an all too familiar feeling. I didn't want to cause a scene, but instead of doing what I normally would have done—try to forget about it and let it eat away at me—I decided to tell a mutual friend of ours.
What happened next was something I could never have predicted—and was the last thing I expected.
She completely stood up for me. No questions. No hesitation… Admittedly I was not looking for her to fix the problem, I just wanted to be heard. Yet she did not delay to try and fix things.
That’s when I realized that I had never really had anyone speak up for me before.. I had never seen someone care enough to defend me. In that moment I had finally realized that someone who loves you will show you.
I'm lucky enough to have other people in my life now that show me what it means to have support as well. I just had to finally expect and accept it.
By being the person I was avoiding so long of becoming, I learned that healthy boundaries are ok. The ones that matter won't just respect them, they'll reinforce them.
They will show you that you matter.
They will speak up for you when you're not around.
And they'll never let you feel unseen, left out, or misunderstood.
I'm still learning, but navigating healthy relationships and watching them blossom is a gift that I've been waiting my entire life for.
A Quiet Hope
For everyone searching for the love they never had: don't give up.
For those still trying to prove their worth in exchange for love: learn to love yourself.
And for anyone feeling hopeless—like they'll never be truly loved: there's people quietly rooting for you to turn the corner.
At the end of the day nothing in life is permanent if we choose to change it.
But it takes work.
It won't be easy.
But it'll be worth it.
